Monday, February 3, 2014

Tunnel of Mirrors

 "You are just too dark a person, it feels almost I am dating....."
"Lord Voldermoth" I stop him with my quick mouth and laugh out loud, this laugh was audible and intended and was not like my natural laugh which is oddly silent and his expression changes from irritation at being interrupted, to frustration, to a quiet smile, his smile is hard to come by and is a rare beautiful ones with a dimple, he has a smile which reaches his eyes;

"Honeyeyed" I whisper coming closer to his ears and slowly take away the diary which has the poems of my dark childhood, now don't get me wrong here I had a normal rather excellent family to grow up in but then I was always light's dark child and though i never sulked around I was always waiting for my doom, relishing my destruction.

"Let me read it...."
"No, Honey eyed I can't let you read"
"Just like that, as it is you smile less and you need not bother yourself with these trash"
His face darkens on hearing this
"THIS your life,my life.... 'Jadidang Hridayan Mama, Tadidang Hridayang Taba'....remember"
"Yes, I know.... 'your heart is my heart and we are one'" This was the phrase in Sanskrit for a bengali wedding and we were about to realize it in a month but some how the meaning escaped me, I was in doubts about the marriage I just didn't want to jump into this, actually I was trying to break up with him for the past one month and met him today mentally deciding that I will tell him the truth but then was not able to

"Come lets go to your Mirror House" He said breaking me out of my thoughts
I smiled and quietly got up.

"After the Mirror house I will tell him, for sure." I thought as I entered the mirror hall, the place was a lane with mirrors on the side and top, I was the first to enter and quickly deciphered the confusion  as i moved in that way where there was no reflection of mine after going halfway through my successful expedition I felt proud of myself at my quick thinking and turned around in considerable excitement to tell him this but he was nowhere to be seen, we entered hand in hand and I, in my ambition to be the first to get out left his hand, I felt guilty, he was claustrophobic, so, I rushed back, tensed. I reached at the beginning of the tunnel only to find him there frozen, nervous,in a grip of claustrophobic attack
"OH MY GOD! WHY ARE  YOU STANDING THERE! COME OUT!" I shouted in exasperation and held his hand and tried to take him out of the tunnel from the entry gate but to my surprise he didn't move.

"No, we will cover the whole stretch" he said softly but firmly
"Oh Come on! its just a stupid game not as if our life depended on it" I rolled my eyes.
"No, I want to complete it with you for you"
"OK, as you wish" I gave up, as i thought whats the point of arguing after all we will be parting our ways soon.

I held his hand firmly this time and led him through the tunnel, all the time i was speaking to him singing his favorite song and he was all the there quiet, smiling, giving me the confidence that he was all right while he was not and thus we passed hand in hand helping and supporting each other, be the strength which we needed in us.

Finally we came out and were happy, he was happy for having crossed the tunnel and I for having a crossover.

"You were planning to tell me something" He asked me as we were parting for the day.
"How did you know?" I was surprised as I never told him that we needed to talk
"I just know" He said smiling his eyes calm
"Yes, i just wanted you to know that your heart is my heart and we are one" I said holding his hand firmly in mine
"Sanskrit sounds better" He smiled reciprocating my smile.
"I know" I smiled and turned towards the gate only to see my mother smiling

"Ma, see I am not late" I said entering the gate of my home
"I know, I just came from the Tailor" she said calmly
"Really! what did he say
"Well go in your marriage saree is ready and so are you" She said putting her hand on my head.
"Yes, I will and I am" I said as I turned one last time to see his receding figure on the road.


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  2. As usual a fine piece of conflict, sadomasochism and anathema. Have you seen star wars? the character of Darth Vader sounds familiar? Stop fighting with your inner self, at times complete surrender or capitulation works like miracle. Have a dekho of the movie of yesteryears, Rajanigandha starring dinesh thakur, vidya sinha and amol palekar and also try to hum its melodious song, 'rajanigandha phool tumahare mahke yuin hi jiwan mein' which also has the lines, 'adhikar jabse sajan ka har dharkan par jana maine'- Somorpon. Anyhow your writing prowess doesn't need any more elaboration, as lucid and all encompassing as it is.

    1. Thanks Rahul, you see my inner conflict gives me peace, I cannot be stable, I cannot be perfectly loyal and thats me and thats what gave birth a creativity in me, "Rajnigandha" the song is one of my favorites. I actually cannot have complete "samarpan" to anyone or anything thats one beautiful deficit I cherish

    2. Datta, I can understand, or perhaps I would say I can understand much more than others, Already said I see a mirror in you, Yes you are unique, as everybody else is, but there are striking similarities somewhere somehow. Just be sure not to loose control, otherwise these conflicts are actually remedial and one need to fantasize at times to keep afloat. I am not as expressive as you and hence you try to fathom it out, what I actually mean to say. Thanks for being my friend.