Monday, February 17, 2014

Over Rated Love

When I thought it’s gone it was still there
In there but gone now-moments,
I saw the beginning and never the end
But when I see it going away
I feel all my notions were false
Is falling in love over rated?
Or falling out of love so under stated
That in one moment I saw you
And the other I wished you melted away.
Is it me or the rule of the world?
To look out for new pastures
And leave neglected the grasslands once grazed
Is being fed on the continuous fodder of love so necessary
Or it’s an illusion created by the addicted lot?
And if it’s necessary, why am I not dead already?
I have lived so much in loveless paradise
That now being in love is suffocating
My wandering thoughts meander
And end abruptly few miles after it started
I end up in despair and I look back
I see I am stuck; I went nowhere
You sit beside me and I know you will.
I do care for you and I know I will.
Then why to over rate love?
Why to impose the hollowness without love
When the vacuum is survivable?
Why to brood over not having love?
Is love so necessary? No it’s over rated
And the existence of the needs
The need for companionship is so under stated….

Friday, February 14, 2014

Out of the darkness: Married and Living Together

Out of the darkness: Married and Living Together: You know the funniest thing, you do not realize the existence of the things around you until they are thrown at your face; made ...

Married and Living Together

You know the funniest thing, you do not realize the existence of the things around you until they are thrown at your face; made clear to you by the way of a sudden bolt which breaks your trance. Things always nearer to you are ignored the most but then I was not ignoring this I was always like this too busy to bother, too self absorbed I guess.

Cheryl Cole sang "Fight for this Love" "Everything's worth having is sure worth fighting for quitting's out of the question when it gets gotta fight some more"

Easy to sing hard to follow, I am fighting for the last five years and now I am fighting no more, I am now happy to let it go, go and just fade away, die a natural death as I am too timid a person to murder the relation I was nurturing for the past five years. I was afraid to be blamed, to be in the wrong side of the things, as I had never been in the wrong side ever before, I some how manipulated my way to the right side always.

I never lost and even if I lost I was always right.

I was thinking how to manipulate his one lie and drive my way out of this mess of a relation and put all the blame on him and most importantly make him believe that he was the one responsible for it. Why? because he led me in to a relationship of make beliefs. He took the advantage of the fact that I believed him. But the most important I wanted to be freed, to be alone once again and I wanted to sound righteous and wanted to feel those sympathetic eyes gazing me.

It was a kind of competition now and I never lose without a good fight, so, when you hit me I will always hit you. So, spoon fed was I in the art of being ahead that I didn't want to fall back and lose, I was aggressive, he was mellow so, why will he have an upper hand and make me suffer and make me wonder every single day that what did I do to deserve a life based on a lie.

Looking up I saw a moonlit sky, The autumn night was a beautiful specimen to behold, all quiet, mildly breezy, I looked up at my watch it was 11o'clock "God! I wish I had some Maggi" I said to myself as I started strolling in the terrace with a stray dried twig in my hand, wondering that what a fate the twig had, It grew up at a place then was plucked by some wandering hand of a romancing brain, while idly thinking of his love, her beauty her spoken and unspoken words and then heaving a sigh of relief unconsciously threw the twig and then a wind came and the twig thought it was a worthy companion so, it flew with it only to be abandoned by it today in my doubtful hands.

As I was strolling, I smelled something, something familiar but then it might be my delusion.

"Your Maggi is ready" He shouted from inside
"But I didn't ask for it" I was surprised.
"You were saying it to yourself that you want it, so I went out and bought it" He said it as a matter of fact.
"At this hour!" I was a bit shocked as I knew all the shops are closed.
"The Maggi is getting cold" He shouted the reminder
"Ya, am Coming" I enter wondering that whether the twig had some magic potion that dissolved my resolution to part and postponed it maybe for the next life time. 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

My Love


I was going crazy, this was evident.

It started many years back when some of my friends, acquaintances rather thought something is wrong with me when I seemed to be lost amidst conversations, this thing was a deliberation on my part as this was my mental escape from the worldly chatter of the people I knew, while I seemed lost I was actually visiting places and making friends in my imaginary world.

I didn't bother to think then that I was going crazy as the friends in my head never complained so I never thought that I was going crazy.

My family thought I had lost it when I stopped interacting with them all of a sudden and we were living under the same roof.

But I didn't mind that either.

I had just read Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka and wondered that what if I too turn into a cockroach one fine day, well I will gain attention, sympathy and care and publicity and then no one will think I am crazy after all cockroaches are not crazy, are they?

I looked out of the only window that was present in my room, it was a lazy winter afternoon and I was all alone in this more than enough 3 bhk apartment, My parents had gone to attend a marriage function to some other town that I had no interest in and being the socially awkward entity I am, my parents thought it the best to leave me alone.

'Will the crow dive into my room and eat me if I become a cockroach? Well how will I taste? I sure will be crunchy with all the wings and scales but then the crow might look into my eyes and change his mind and might fall in love with me after all the feeling of devouring someone whole and possessing someone whole must be uncomfortably the same and that is the reason why am I obsessed of this two stream of thoughts at the same go for a same person" I thought and in the meanwhile the crow gave a pitiful look at me and flew away . I laughed out loud and the room echoed with my hollow laughter as I thought that even the crow doesn't want to possess me.

Yes, I am going crazy I thought as I silently pinched myself hard and relished the pain. I pinched myself till tears welled up my eyes and fell down my cheeks and I drank my tears and I felt relived. As if just out of bedlam I was confused. I have loved him for such a long time that I have forgotten that how do I feel without his love in my soul, all my dreams hopes and aspirations revolved around him and I was his muse and he was mine, he never promised me anything but I promised him my life and everything in it.

He never got into his head that what he meant to me but that's not a problem as i don't expect him to be, we are friends and that is enough for me after all I never wanted to be more than that to him as love is sometimes spoilt by the knowledge of its existence. "He came the day before yesterday at my place for some work and since then i am feeling this crazy, this lunatic, strange." I thought and and sipped in the red wine he brought for me two days back as promised by him.

I yawn and smile and slowly move forward and lazily stand at my balcony looking at the skyline form the 18th floor, Its serene and I don't feel crazy anymore, i sip the wine and its smooth taste indulges me into a serene pleasure and I remember his calm eyes, I love the most in him. "I have to carve" I thought as I moved in I will use my hands that's best.

I sit beside him his body is cold and still. I force open his eyelids carve out his eyes out of the socket with my fingers, taste the dried blood of his, and relieve the ecstasy. True the feelings of devouring someone is so similar to the feelings of possessing someone. 

No, I am not crazy.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Tunnel of Mirrors

 "You are just too dark a person, it feels almost I am dating....."
"Lord Voldermoth" I stop him with my quick mouth and laugh out loud, this laugh was audible and intended and was not like my natural laugh which is oddly silent and his expression changes from irritation at being interrupted, to frustration, to a quiet smile, his smile is hard to come by and is a rare beautiful ones with a dimple, he has a smile which reaches his eyes;

"Honeyeyed" I whisper coming closer to his ears and slowly take away the diary which has the poems of my dark childhood, now don't get me wrong here I had a normal rather excellent family to grow up in but then I was always light's dark child and though i never sulked around I was always waiting for my doom, relishing my destruction.

"Let me read it...."
"No, Honey eyed I can't let you read"
"Just like that, as it is you smile less and you need not bother yourself with these trash"
His face darkens on hearing this
"THIS your life,my life.... 'Jadidang Hridayan Mama, Tadidang Hridayang Taba'....remember"
"Yes, I know.... 'your heart is my heart and we are one'" This was the phrase in Sanskrit for a bengali wedding and we were about to realize it in a month but some how the meaning escaped me, I was in doubts about the marriage I just didn't want to jump into this, actually I was trying to break up with him for the past one month and met him today mentally deciding that I will tell him the truth but then was not able to

"Come lets go to your Mirror House" He said breaking me out of my thoughts
I smiled and quietly got up.

"After the Mirror house I will tell him, for sure." I thought as I entered the mirror hall, the place was a lane with mirrors on the side and top, I was the first to enter and quickly deciphered the confusion  as i moved in that way where there was no reflection of mine after going halfway through my successful expedition I felt proud of myself at my quick thinking and turned around in considerable excitement to tell him this but he was nowhere to be seen, we entered hand in hand and I, in my ambition to be the first to get out left his hand, I felt guilty, he was claustrophobic, so, I rushed back, tensed. I reached at the beginning of the tunnel only to find him there frozen, nervous,in a grip of claustrophobic attack
"OH MY GOD! WHY ARE  YOU STANDING THERE! COME OUT!" I shouted in exasperation and held his hand and tried to take him out of the tunnel from the entry gate but to my surprise he didn't move.

"No, we will cover the whole stretch" he said softly but firmly
"Oh Come on! its just a stupid game not as if our life depended on it" I rolled my eyes.
"No, I want to complete it with you for you"
"OK, as you wish" I gave up, as i thought whats the point of arguing after all we will be parting our ways soon.

I held his hand firmly this time and led him through the tunnel, all the time i was speaking to him singing his favorite song and he was all the there quiet, smiling, giving me the confidence that he was all right while he was not and thus we passed hand in hand helping and supporting each other, be the strength which we needed in us.

Finally we came out and were happy, he was happy for having crossed the tunnel and I for having a crossover.

"You were planning to tell me something" He asked me as we were parting for the day.
"How did you know?" I was surprised as I never told him that we needed to talk
"I just know" He said smiling his eyes calm
"Yes, i just wanted you to know that your heart is my heart and we are one" I said holding his hand firmly in mine
"Sanskrit sounds better" He smiled reciprocating my smile.
"I know" I smiled and turned towards the gate only to see my mother smiling

"Ma, see I am not late" I said entering the gate of my home
"I know, I just came from the Tailor" she said calmly
"Really! what did he say
"Well go in your marriage saree is ready and so are you" She said putting her hand on my head.
"Yes, I will and I am" I said as I turned one last time to see his receding figure on the road.