The Silent Secret

“I have not seen you for quite a while and can’t recollect your face.” She said earnestly.  She had a peculiar tendency of forgetting people’s face while remembering their names.

“Don’t bother. I remember you, your face.” He said as a matter of fact.

“You have learnt how to talk smooth, haven’t you?” she said giggling.

“No, your face has been the one which remained with me always. It haunted me everywhere I went to run away from my demons. It was the only thing that brought me back home because I knew my home is in the city you lived. I returned every night and fell asleep hoping to see you the next day. These went on for years. I didn’t even know you moved out of the city. I didn’t fall into bad company because I thought I might lose you. I never got near any intoxication because I was afraid that it would make your memory in my soul blur. I kept on fighting the demons within me hoping that the next time you saw me you found me the same. I failed sometimes and I won sometimes but I refused to kill the old me, the innocent me completely because I had always known that one day I will face you. I was strangely afraid of you, your righteousness. I wanted to erase my memories from everyone’s life but I didn’t because I hoped you will come. I fell in love again but it never changed what I felt for you. I am falling in love with you always; I am in love with you now. I do not want to possess you. I already have you deep in me. You are the epitome of a woman for me. A portrait of a woman…”

“But I was a girl then….I don’t love you but still love you…” She cut him short as she didn’t want to hear what she knew already. She heaved a sigh of relief feeling that all these years she was right and a sigh of disappointment that she didn’t have the confidence to wait.

She remembered the time they shared a common space together silently, two decades back. They never spoke or even tried to communicate like other teenagers. They knew each other well from the first day. Each other’s mirror reflection. Their mutual silence spoke. They had never talked so much to each other as they talked now but they didn’t feel awkward. It was as if they had always talked and known each other thoroughly.

It had been two decades and every time she struggled with her confidence and self esteem. She remembered him. He was the one who appreciated her work, appreciated her and acknowledged her when no one did. Every seminar in the college, every interview she faced she thought of him.

“If he has approved then others will. If they don’t approve at least he will.”

She didn’t wait for him as she never completely fell in love with him.

And now as they sat face to face in a Café, discussing the marketing strategy of their upcoming venture, they took this break to discuss things long pending to be told and never talked of. She had just retired after a bright career spanning seventeen years from twenty to thirty seven. She was married happily and was a proud mother. He was an entrepreneur who never stopped; juggling life between family (wife and kids) and dreams. They both had it all except themselves. But did they need each other as lovers?

Incomplete Love stories are a myth. They do not destroy your life. They motivate you to reach higher. Love can never be incomplete. If it’s incomplete then it is not love. Life Partners in life can be your Mother, Brother, Best Friend all those who share life with you.  Love can never destroy. If you are killing yourself for it think again is it love?

“I thought I will not live till twenty five the way I was going. You know what I mean. Thanks for being the silent secret of my life. Thanks for being there as a friend through all these years; invisibly motivating me through thick and thin.” She said holding his hand and squeezing it softly with eyes filled with tears of gratitude.

“Thanks, the feeling is mutual.” He said sipping in the coffee

They sat silently for a while.

“Hey where is my treat? I need my fees for motivation.” He spoke playfully breaking in the silent.

“Get Lost!” she said with a giggle and beaming eyes while hitting his head lightly with the magazine she was reading.

They resumed talking and gossiping as they had never stopped…

Friends forever……..

Clipped Wings??

Will you be flying Honey?
No you won't be flying honey.
Why said I? Oh Why said I?
Can't you see it from your eye?
Your wings are meticulously clipped
Just to avoid your being slipped.
Your bound not to sore high
So, should I sit back with a sigh
No, fly but not tither.
Make sure this path here
Is the one chosen for thou.
But I can't fly can only crawl slow

I don't want to crawl, no, never
I just hope myself to be my saver
And I fly with my clipped wings
Let the world shout, let them sing
The old cacophony of the norms
I am not going to bargain soul for a form.

I am not striving the road supposed to be taken
And my faith in myself won't be shaken
Nay the storms come and shake me hard
Let the adversities be my miseries' bard
Let the world be angry and let it diffuse
While I will be worshiping my muse.

It will pain and doubts will rule the road
But never will my dreams be sung an ode
I am and so, I dream
Without it I cease to exist
So, while breaking in free verse
I let my dreams fly high
As my destiny is nothing but my right
I go and go and strive harder
Yes, this love costs
But not living the dream costs harder.
There is no shackle otherthan self  adorned
We are our own limitations
We are our own limits....
We are our own Freedom...

Together Forever....

"Can we go there?"asked she, as if pleading replete with child like innocence.

"No, we cannot..." he said with a smile, just being contended that his scarred maturity had finally met this clear spring of thoughts.

"Why not? look it's so beautiful, we will watch the sunrise and sit quietly.." she said while tugging to her hand and trying him to move into that direction.

"Because you are clumsy on plain roads and you might fall on this rough terrain with a cycle." He said still calm while steadily holding onto his cycle.

"I find roads unnatural. This......is NATURAL" She said aloud pointing at the mud trail.

"NO!"

"All right, stay here, I am going." She said sulking and climbed her cycle and rode by.

"This Girl!" he said exasperated as he climbed the cycle and followed her.

The road was a mud trail, their destiny was a small hillock, The road went past a small agrarian village, it was dawn. The sun was yet to rise but it was already clear. They were speeding by in their cycles lest they might miss out on sunrise.

One could feel the morning dew in the grass and taste the morning breeze hitting their face. The peacocks rose early and were calling. As they passed they saw a peacock flying from one tree to another, long tailed, shimmering blue and green, just out of a dream they fly.

The trail had it's bumps and now they reached the hillock. They climbed as far they could cycling and then they walked the rest of the uphill.

As he walked, he looked at her and thought about her, the innocence of her soul was reflected on her body, pristine, that is what she was. He was scarred, broken betrayed, he was never taken care of. He was not sad, he was not brooding. He was working his hearts out. He was Thirty, he had a family at home but still he waited for her, that face, her face haunted her...

She was baby faced assassin, her flawless frame hid her scarred soul. She never was a child, she never was a teenager. She hid her scars, retained her innocence and smiled. She loved and was loved but wanted to belong, she had no friends, she didn't want any. She was a smiling recluse who just saw things understood them but never spoke. But her spirit was undying. She was Seventeen, had a life with all it's passion and shades but still she waited form him, created a face out of many to remember that face, his face...this face she didn't want to forget.

As he walked into the room she vanished, her smile vanished. He sat in his desk in the office, working as efficiently as one could. The road, the hillock, the river all vanished. He had seen her once passing in a crowded Railway Terminus and waited for her, thought about her, confident that in her lies his peace, his turbulence, his life. He didn't know when and how will he see her again. Whether she will ever know that he exists in this universe. Will her face ever have a name to go with it for him but he did not mind, he did not search for her. He just waited while not waiting at all.

As she sat their on the hillock, her brother came from the back and startled her and she feigned being scared, his face vanished again, the conversation she was having now was a scent in the air. She had seen him once in the Railway Terminus. The way he looked assured her that someone was there. No, she didn't wait. She kept on falling in love over and over again.

Miles apart yet communicating while they lived in the world where they were present but not involved......some love stories never end because they do not start......
 

 

A Childish Journey

Shall we run! roll over and jump the fence!!?
Said the boy of three with a twinkle in his face
The building is under construction
The windows still french....

Hand in hand now they go
Giggling laughing spreading innocent mischief
The girl in a pleated skirt and two pig tails hardly made
The boy in shorts all tidy ready to be spoilt
They go like the breeze, laughing,
Eyes wide open in an animated merriment.

"Don't run kids, you will fall!"
Says the old mason shaking his head
They look back and stick their tongues out
The mason's laugh fills in the bricked room.

Brother and Sister, all of three and nine
The elder sister the guide,
The younger brother the mischief.
Th boy stumbles and falls
So does the girl to match his goofiness
Together creating a clumsy harmony
Laughing while asking to keep quiet.

Hair disheveled cheeks flushed
They stand all soiled
The mother all furious,
Dad's the saviour.
"Let's run!" chirps in the girl
Being older, the better she knows the wrath.

They giggle and stumble and run again
While the proud Mother feigns anger
And the Father runs to be a child again.

For You Father

Yes, I blog. Why? because I write. Why do I write? because I love to. It's one thing I have been sure of in my life, my life changed, my goals changed, my situations changed, my likings and dislikings changed but one thing that remained constant is my zeal to write; penning every thought down.

I was an awkwardly introvert child who had her own world of fantasies. I was always eerily mature for my age. I understood situations and never threw tantrums just to make my will be done. I was considerate, empathetic at an age when other kids threw tantrums, rolled over and did what not in a fit of so called rage. So, I was abnormal.
I knew more things than my class mates,had a good knowledge, I didn't study much in fact I don't remember consciously how did I learnt about The Nine Planets, The Stars and English Grammar. I never studied English Grammar before exams. And I was not Nerdy I was well dressed and was my teacher's pet and my friends' heart beat.

Now before taking me as a genius please hold on in fact my brother was of a similar  kind barring the writing part, (he is more into machines). It was nothing but my Parents. My Mother is an excellent teacher,she teaches you, makes you know things and all the while you think you are playing. She is a great story teller and my greatest strength.My Father, well what to say about him, he is the reason I grew empathetic and disciplined and never had thrown any tantrums. He treated us as "young adults" and never as kids. He made us accountable and answerable for our own actions.I was grilled for hours for a so called "innocent mischief"  like speaking in between, taking things from the plate in a hurry, sneezing without putting my handkerchief in front of my mouth  etc since I was three years old or a bit less. Yes, it sounds cruel but then it made a a fine specimen of a human being when I faced the world. My parents were my greatest critic,they knew one thing that I was their life but so, is every child and the world doesn't actually count how much your parents love you.
My Dad watched television with us, played with us after he returned fro the office, taught us and we never had any tutors till higher classes. He did all this with such an ease and when I am working I know how hard it is to do this. He cracked jokes with us, told us about his youth and college days and every single day atleast for once he mentioned his Dad, who had died even before my Dad got married.

He didn't raise me as his son. No, he raised both of us , me and my brother as humans. He was the one who dreamt of me becoming an engineer but actually was beaming with joy when I cracked through the merit list of B.A. (English Honours). He guided us and never made us choose his choice or live his dreams.

He was the one who instilled in me the idea of expressing through pen. People call me "Miss Encyclopedia" "Miss English" but this is all due to person who woke up at 3 am in the morning to teach me, then spent 12 hours in the Factory as an Engineer at work, came back played with me for an hour, taught me till 12 am and then went to sleep and this was his life during my examination time. I slept in the afternoon but he didn't. I wonder how!!

Today seven years have passed I have not heard his voice, I have not seen him. Seven years he has not responded to when I call "Babai". Seven years...a lot of things have happened, I don't know if he knows it or not but all I wanted to say to him the last time he called was "I know you will be there for me, don't have to say me that." and I still believe that and I wish my last day at work should be my last day in life.... just like you.

Dedicated to My Father Mr. Dipankar Ghosh
also my Guardian Angel from 11th June 2007.

For You Maa

In how many ways can a human be saved? How many times can you be given birth to? innumerable.....and every time when I thought I am standing all alone ready to perish you came there, calmly and as usual saved me, you gave me life every time  I died and the saddest part I never realized. The whole of my life I kept quiet and thought no one noticed me, no one even acknowledged what I did but I failed to understand that I am silent because i am a part of your soul, I am so much like you yet I never understood you. I blamed you, fought with you made you cry but I never realized that when you were standing against me (as I perceived) you were actually fighting for me, you were actually trying to be my shield......I am sorry but I don't need to say "sorry" because I am your shadow, your blood and I know you know and love me for what I am.

Your
Suntu

Back to Life after Death

Pop! I just came out of the dead, Wow! so unreal and cool!, I died with a pop! and woke up from the dead with a pop, so, I had lived two years with Dad and have learnt a very important lesson once a manager is always a manager, turns out that my Dad is doing pretty well in the heaven, he used his Chemical Engineering skill to start up a soap industry in the heaven, he was doing well and his entrepreneurial dreams were finally realized, the new "EARTH SOAP" was a hit in heaven and now the Gods were planning to export it to the hell or "Patal Lok". Woe! Surreal Man! anyways as it goes I was taken up by mistake actually they had planned to take one Mr. Dutta and one Mr. Ghosh in a car accident but they took me (Datta Ghosh) by mistake and it took two years of HCS (Heaven Civil Service) Bureaucrats to correct this mistake and by this time my eyes were making two people see, my heart was beating in a singer's body, my liver was in a Corporate Honcho's Body and my Skeleton was in an Anatomy class (I pledged my body), so, my Dad used his influence to give me a new body and thanks to the Chinese people in heaven it was ready real fast and was real economical.

So, now I came down to the earth and the first place I go to is to my mother. Well she relocated with my brother and is now in Pune, while my brother is having a plush job, I always told him he will have it big and it happened. My mother is all right, she is a strong woman I know that but she has stopped smiling and stopped worshiping. My brother has lost his perpetual smile and is serious, boy he looks so mature and he is all of 24, this boy, my kid has grown up a man and what a fine specimen of man he has become. Love his Tony Highflier glasses, I remember giving that to him with the Nexus 5 he is holding, strange he has not changed his mobile in the last two years. I am in an apprentice period this means i cannot reveal myself to them.

The next person I rush to is my husband "Don't leave your job, give your career a high I dreamt of live my dream" my last words to him and he has kept it to the T he has grown in the organisation and has been transferred to Delhi as the department head, Boy! I am so proud of him! though there were times I got diverted and might be a bit unfaithful but he stuck to my word, If I wish to come back he is one of the big three reasons, I love the way he is working. so, tactfully so, efficiently but where is his smile, I wonder?
and why is he smoking so much, does he want to get himself killed and has he been alone all these years? He has not found anyone? and then i do something I never did when alive, I sneak out on his mobile, well he is flirting having flings, so unusual of him and so, very like me but he has my pic as the wallpaper, two years and nothing has changed within, I follow him outside office he goes out and Boy! what a catch! I see an extremely gorgeous lady by his side, he sure has upgraded in his choice of ladies. But where is the smile, the nervous happiness that was their whenever he was with me, even three years after marriage? This lady is so benevolent, is singing her praises and then you are not happy, This is insane!! What else do you want Buddy?

"It's You." was his answer as he looked up the sky with a hollow stare and tear in his eyes. I guess we still speak to each other while not speaking at all.........

My apprenticeship ends and I am all ready to come back, seems like nothing has stopped without me as expected I only need to bring back the smile and faith.