The Beginnings-2

"Hello, Nirvaan!  I have not seen you for a long while, hope life is treating you well,  my old friend." her voice sounded benevolently frozen.

 I couldn't help it, the song "Hotel California" played in my mind "Welcome to the Hotel California...". For some unknown reasons I was dead scared. Nandini, the nerd Nandini was sitting in front of me in the tram. I had seen her last some twelve years back. She was a timid and unassuming girl. she was almost invisible.

 I remembered the day when I last saw her. She was sitting in the library trying to solve an equation in calculus. Poor thing she wasn't good looking neither was she good in studies, she was just an average. She used to steal glances towards me. Friends said she had this huge crush over me. So, that was the day we were playing truth and dare and my dare was to go and propose her and make her believe that I was madly in love with her.

"I love you." I said as I approached her. She looked at me quizzically
"All Right" she said and went back to her books.
"You have to believe me I really love you." I said sitting there opposite to her and holding her hand.
"Leave my hand." She said snatching her hands back and quietly stood up to leave.
I stood up, walked up to her held her hand and went down on my knees, "I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU!" I said aloud and my voice echoed in the big hall. Thankfully the Librarian was not there. I was happy to win another bet. She will surely fall for this. What does she want more? She was plainer than the plain Jane and I was the School Head Boy, the most popular and all in the school. She will say yes and I will win the bet.

"Have a nice day." she smiled and went away.

She never was to be seen ever. Some people said that she went mad thinking that I proposed her. Some rumours said that she had declared that day that she has a boyfriend (me) and her parents took her out of the school and sent her to another city and she got married after three years. The day she turned eighteen. Rumours about her followed from her being a drug addict to an ugly fat woman to her having five kids. Some also said she went crazy and committed suicide.

"How are you Nirvaan, What brings you to the city?" she said. Her voice brought me out of the flashback.
"I....I a...m g..ood." I stammered out. I saw cold sweat gripping me in the month of December.
"You are sweating. I know Kolkata winters are nothing compared to the winters you are used to but still you shouldn't ideally sweat. Any ways  Cold or Heat I feel nothing....It has been so for the last ten years." she said her stony eyes moving from me to the window.
"What do you mean you do not feel!?" My mind was making all kind of assumptions. She looked so beautiful and so distant and something was so very wrong with her. She was different. I had thought of her often and felt a guilty pleasure that I can affect someone so gravely. She was a part of my numerous infamous legends. The girl I screwed without even screwing.

"After that day the life was not like that...my parents knew about my love towards you. I was supposed to say yes to you the day after but my Dad took me away to another town and locked me up for an entire year. everyday I used to write your name on the wall and my dad had it white washed every day. This went on for an year. After that I was not the same I was put into a Mental Asylum and I lived there for a year and killed myself." She said as a matter of fact and looked at me smiling.

I could not believe her last words ......"Killed Myself." I was looking at her as the tram dragged slowly through the lazy winter evenings of Kolkata. I was nearly in tears. I felt a deep remorse, a deep guilt in me. Had I not said that nothing would have happened. She would have been alive....

"I always wanted to grow up and live in Kolkata and always wanted to meet you once....now both are done and I can leave now..." She said with a deep sense of calm. She looked divine and gorgeous and what a waste of life!
"You look beautiful..." I managed to say as she got up from the seat.
"Calm makes you beautiful." she said
Yes, the calm after death makes you beautiful.

The Gate

"When I was waiting for you this long I never realized when I fell out of love with you." said Mira with an air of indifference.

Sahil stood there dumb founded. He never had expected this. He sincerely thought it was something she will understand. He was tied up in other things and was so busy with life that he couldn't reach her any sooner.

"How can you say that?" was all that he could manage. His deep brown eyes now filled with tears till the brim. His beautiful mouth shivering to start a bout of sobs.

"I do not know twenty years is a long wait. I kept on standing on this gate keeping my end of promise. What took you so long?" She spoke as her black serpentine hair gently touched her dusky face. Those sparkling almond shaped eyes were so clear that Sahil would spend rest of his time just looking at them.

"You know what took me so long. I have...had a family and kids to take care of. I cannot leave them all for your love. Be reasonable." Sahil said a bit sternly trying to make sense with these feisty lady, the woman of his dreams.

"Yes, your family. As if I am not important." she said with anger

"How can you say that!" Sahil knew Mira was self centered but this shook him from with in.

"Because it is me who is standing at the gate for the past twenty years waiting for you." said Mira with tears in her eyes.

"But you loved them?"

"Yes, that was twenty years back."

"Don't you have a heart?"

"No, gave it to a stranger.....Hey you donated my Heart right?" said Mira giggling.

"We are meeting after twenty years and you are your usual prankster.....you haven't changed a bit." Sahil said tapping her head lightly.

"No, time stopped for me twenty years back."

"So, was my case." said Sahil smiling his signature smile.

"Hey! I saw you smiling after years! How are the kids?"

"Both are married and have kids of their own."

"Do they miss me?" said Mira eagerly

"Yes, they miss their mother every single day, hope I was a good Father." said Sahil smiling apprehensively.
"Yes, Honey you were."

As she opened the gates she kissed him with all the love she had fought to keep alive in her for these years. Once she left her mortal shell it was very hard to be attached to the man she loved when she was bound by the worldly body. Every moment one by one the memories would fade away but she kept it with her. It pained her a lot to remember to live in a state of mourning even when she was just a soul but she knew if she would forget he would also forget and she couldn't make that happen. She promised to wait and she did. Now as they walked hand in hand and entered the Gate, their children were preparing to cremate Sahil and bid the final goodbye.

Separation

"...As if nothing had happened!" her mother shouted throwing away The Kafka she was reading.

She could see from her mother's face that this was not the usual, it was serious. Something had happened, something very bad. Her nostrils flared, eyes were blood red and she was trembling.

She held her hand with pleading eyes but her mother removed the hand and slapped her hard on her face.

She again held her hand with both her hands and held it softly but more reassuringly. She looked in to her eyes and nodded her head down once with empathy.

She knew what it was. She was not a child anymore. She was almost eighteen now. She was still not an adult but she was always an adult from the heart.

"What is it Mom?" she said calmly
Her mother had stopped to tremble and sat beside her on the bed in her room and kept her head low.

They remained silent for a few minutes and then tears started to roll out of the mothers eyes.
The daughter hugged her tightly.


"It is all right mother." said the daughter softly and gently kissed her head.

"You are not running away from us in the guise of moving away for the higher studies." said the mother with a child like innocence.

"No, Mom. I told you that I will come every other weekend." she said.

"Whom will I talk to when you are gone? Your Dad is too busy stating his own problems and your brother is too small."
"We will talk over phone."
That night the mother became the three year old daughter who cried night long fourteen years back on hearing that school means to be away from Mom.

That night the daughter became the thirty two year old mother who consoled her daughter all night long, fourteen years back while her heart too cried thinking of the separation.

The Cycle of Life....

Labels: Mother-Daughter Relationship , Emotional Turmoil, Family

For the infidels it rained that night

"It is a pleasure to love you, to know you." she said as she wiped the tears that rolled out of her eyes and touched her swollen lips.
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"It will hurt a little but then it will be over." said the boy to his girlfriend in the flat next to hers.
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"I have forsaken my identity for you and will again forge a new identity if you want."She said looking at him, her lips throbbing with pain all the while.
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"Isn't it wrong? You are engaged?" said the girlfriend next door, sitting back on the bed where her boyfriend had laid her.
"Then why doesn't it feel wrong?" answered the boyfriend with a smile laying her back.
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"If it is wrong to you then I am saying sorry but I will never be sorry for it." she said as something hurt her dignity along with her swollen lips and aching body.
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"No, I do not feel it is wrong but then....will you stay? No, you won't." the girlfriend said pausing the boyfriend who was about to kiss.
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"WHY DID YOU DO THIS? JUST TO AVENGE YOURSELF?" her husband shouted and shivered, controlling the urge to hit her...again.

"No, just to prove that lying hurts." she said calmly and her husband hit her again making her bleed from her lips. Her lips that he loved so much.
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"You won't stay but my essence will linger and you will be a half lover to any woman hence forward." the girlfriend said as a matter of fact.

"Let it be...I want to be an infidel with you and for you." said the boyfriend caressing her hair.
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"YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST! YOU ARE AN INFIDEL!" said her husband throwing her on the bed and again hitting her.

"I had always told you. You are marrying an infidel. Your lie just broke open the infidel in me." she said with a serene smile.

"Say you don't love...." he said now sobbing

"I have always loved you..." she said hitting him hard as he fell on the ground. writhing in pain.

She drew close and grabbed his hair with one hand and throttled his throat with another hand and kissed him lightly on his forehead

"This is what you have made of our relation. Love and hate hand in hand. Guess we both are infidels." she said smiling placing her body near to his.
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"I just want to be close to you. I know this night won't come. For me Love and incompleteness will go hand in hand." said the boyfriend lying beside his girlfriend.

"If only you knew I can never be in love.....I am the incompleteness in you, I am your infidelity." she said drawing her body close to her boyfriend.

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The Husband and wife lied side by side calmly sharing a bond of Love and Hate.

The Boyfriend and Girlfriend Lied side by side sharing a bond of Love and Incompleteness.

The four living next to each other separated by a thin urban residence wall, all of them getting adulterated love.

The held each other tight and cried and smiled peacefully........and It Rained That Night.


This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

The Silent Secret

“I have not seen you for quite a while and can’t recollect your face.” She said earnestly.  She had a peculiar tendency of forgetting people’s face while remembering their names.

“Don’t bother. I remember you, your face.” He said as a matter of fact.

“You have learnt how to talk smooth, haven’t you?” she said giggling.

“No, your face has been the one which remained with me always. It haunted me everywhere I went to run away from my demons. It was the only thing that brought me back home because I knew my home is in the city you lived. I returned every night and fell asleep hoping to see you the next day. These went on for years. I didn’t even know you moved out of the city. I didn’t fall into bad company because I thought I might lose you. I never got near any intoxication because I was afraid that it would make your memory in my soul blur. I kept on fighting the demons within me hoping that the next time you saw me you found me the same. I failed sometimes and I won sometimes but I refused to kill the old me, the innocent me completely because I had always known that one day I will face you. I was strangely afraid of you, your righteousness. I wanted to erase my memories from everyone’s life but I didn’t because I hoped you will come. I fell in love again but it never changed what I felt for you. I am falling in love with you always; I am in love with you now. I do not want to possess you. I already have you deep in me. You are the epitome of a woman for me. A portrait of a woman…”

“But I was a girl then….I don’t love you but still love you…” She cut him short as she didn’t want to hear what she knew already. She heaved a sigh of relief feeling that all these years she was right and a sigh of disappointment that she didn’t have the confidence to wait.

She remembered the time they shared a common space together silently, two decades back. They never spoke or even tried to communicate like other teenagers. They knew each other well from the first day. Each other’s mirror reflection. Their mutual silence spoke. They had never talked so much to each other as they talked now but they didn’t feel awkward. It was as if they had always talked and known each other thoroughly.

It had been two decades and every time she struggled with her confidence and self esteem. She remembered him. He was the one who appreciated her work, appreciated her and acknowledged her when no one did. Every seminar in the college, every interview she faced she thought of him.

“If he has approved then others will. If they don’t approve at least he will.”

She didn’t wait for him as she never completely fell in love with him.

And now as they sat face to face in a Café, discussing the marketing strategy of their upcoming venture, they took this break to discuss things long pending to be told and never talked of. She had just retired after a bright career spanning seventeen years from twenty to thirty seven. She was married happily and was a proud mother. He was an entrepreneur who never stopped; juggling life between family (wife and kids) and dreams. They both had it all except themselves. But did they need each other as lovers?

Incomplete Love stories are a myth. They do not destroy your life. They motivate you to reach higher. Love can never be incomplete. If it’s incomplete then it is not love. Life Partners in life can be your Mother, Brother, Best Friend all those who share life with you.  Love can never destroy. If you are killing yourself for it think again is it love?

“I thought I will not live till twenty five the way I was going. You know what I mean. Thanks for being the silent secret of my life. Thanks for being there as a friend through all these years; invisibly motivating me through thick and thin.” She said holding his hand and squeezing it softly with eyes filled with tears of gratitude.

“Thanks, the feeling is mutual.” He said sipping in the coffee

They sat silently for a while.

“Hey where is my treat? I need my fees for motivation.” He spoke playfully breaking in the silent.

“Get Lost!” she said with a giggle and beaming eyes while hitting his head lightly with the magazine she was reading.

They resumed talking and gossiping as they had never stopped…

Friends forever……..

Clipped Wings??

Will you be flying Honey?
No you won't be flying honey.
Why said I? Oh Why said I?
Can't you see it from your eye?
Your wings are meticulously clipped
Just to avoid your being slipped.
Your bound not to sore high
So, should I sit back with a sigh
No, fly but not tither.
Make sure this path here
Is the one chosen for thou.
But I can't fly can only crawl slow

I don't want to crawl, no, never
I just hope myself to be my saver
And I fly with my clipped wings
Let the world shout, let them sing
The old cacophony of the norms
I am not going to bargain soul for a form.

I am not striving the road supposed to be taken
And my faith in myself won't be shaken
Nay the storms come and shake me hard
Let the adversities be my miseries' bard
Let the world be angry and let it diffuse
While I will be worshiping my muse.

It will pain and doubts will rule the road
But never will my dreams be sung an ode
I am and so, I dream
Without it I cease to exist
So, while breaking in free verse
I let my dreams fly high
As my destiny is nothing but my right
I go and go and strive harder
Yes, this love costs
But not living the dream costs harder.
There is no shackle otherthan self  adorned
We are our own limitations
We are our own limits....
We are our own Freedom...

Together Forever....

"Can we go there?"asked she, as if pleading replete with child like innocence.

"No, we cannot..." he said with a smile, just being contended that his scarred maturity had finally met this clear spring of thoughts.

"Why not? look it's so beautiful, we will watch the sunrise and sit quietly.." she said while tugging to her hand and trying him to move into that direction.

"Because you are clumsy on plain roads and you might fall on this rough terrain with a cycle." He said still calm while steadily holding onto his cycle.

"I find roads unnatural. This......is NATURAL" She said aloud pointing at the mud trail.

"NO!"

"All right, stay here, I am going." She said sulking and climbed her cycle and rode by.

"This Girl!" he said exasperated as he climbed the cycle and followed her.

The road was a mud trail, their destiny was a small hillock, The road went past a small agrarian village, it was dawn. The sun was yet to rise but it was already clear. They were speeding by in their cycles lest they might miss out on sunrise.

One could feel the morning dew in the grass and taste the morning breeze hitting their face. The peacocks rose early and were calling. As they passed they saw a peacock flying from one tree to another, long tailed, shimmering blue and green, just out of a dream they fly.

The trail had it's bumps and now they reached the hillock. They climbed as far they could cycling and then they walked the rest of the uphill.

As he walked, he looked at her and thought about her, the innocence of her soul was reflected on her body, pristine, that is what she was. He was scarred, broken betrayed, he was never taken care of. He was not sad, he was not brooding. He was working his hearts out. He was Thirty, he had a family at home but still he waited for her, that face, her face haunted her...

She was baby faced assassin, her flawless frame hid her scarred soul. She never was a child, she never was a teenager. She hid her scars, retained her innocence and smiled. She loved and was loved but wanted to belong, she had no friends, she didn't want any. She was a smiling recluse who just saw things understood them but never spoke. But her spirit was undying. She was Seventeen, had a life with all it's passion and shades but still she waited form him, created a face out of many to remember that face, his face...this face she didn't want to forget.

As he walked into the room she vanished, her smile vanished. He sat in his desk in the office, working as efficiently as one could. The road, the hillock, the river all vanished. He had seen her once passing in a crowded Railway Terminus and waited for her, thought about her, confident that in her lies his peace, his turbulence, his life. He didn't know when and how will he see her again. Whether she will ever know that he exists in this universe. Will her face ever have a name to go with it for him but he did not mind, he did not search for her. He just waited while not waiting at all.

As she sat their on the hillock, her brother came from the back and startled her and she feigned being scared, his face vanished again, the conversation she was having now was a scent in the air. She had seen him once in the Railway Terminus. The way he looked assured her that someone was there. No, she didn't wait. She kept on falling in love over and over again.

Miles apart yet communicating while they lived in the world where they were present but not involved......some love stories never end because they do not start......
 

 

A Childish Journey

Shall we run! roll over and jump the fence!!?
Said the boy of three with a twinkle in his face
The building is under construction
The windows still french....

Hand in hand now they go
Giggling laughing spreading innocent mischief
The girl in a pleated skirt and two pig tails hardly made
The boy in shorts all tidy ready to be spoilt
They go like the breeze, laughing,
Eyes wide open in an animated merriment.

"Don't run kids, you will fall!"
Says the old mason shaking his head
They look back and stick their tongues out
The mason's laugh fills in the bricked room.

Brother and Sister, all of three and nine
The elder sister the guide,
The younger brother the mischief.
Th boy stumbles and falls
So does the girl to match his goofiness
Together creating a clumsy harmony
Laughing while asking to keep quiet.

Hair disheveled cheeks flushed
They stand all soiled
The mother all furious,
Dad's the saviour.
"Let's run!" chirps in the girl
Being older, the better she knows the wrath.

They giggle and stumble and run again
While the proud Mother feigns anger
And the Father runs to be a child again.

For You Father

Yes, I blog. Why? because I write. Why do I write? because I love to. It's one thing I have been sure of in my life, my life changed, my goals changed, my situations changed, my likings and dislikings changed but one thing that remained constant is my zeal to write; penning every thought down.

I was an awkwardly introvert child who had her own world of fantasies. I was always eerily mature for my age. I understood situations and never threw tantrums just to make my will be done. I was considerate, empathetic at an age when other kids threw tantrums, rolled over and did what not in a fit of so called rage. So, I was abnormal.
I knew more things than my class mates,had a good knowledge, I didn't study much in fact I don't remember consciously how did I learnt about The Nine Planets, The Stars and English Grammar. I never studied English Grammar before exams. And I was not Nerdy I was well dressed and was my teacher's pet and my friends' heart beat.

Now before taking me as a genius please hold on in fact my brother was of a similar  kind barring the writing part, (he is more into machines). It was nothing but my Parents. My Mother is an excellent teacher,she teaches you, makes you know things and all the while you think you are playing. She is a great story teller and my greatest strength.My Father, well what to say about him, he is the reason I grew empathetic and disciplined and never had thrown any tantrums. He treated us as "young adults" and never as kids. He made us accountable and answerable for our own actions.I was grilled for hours for a so called "innocent mischief"  like speaking in between, taking things from the plate in a hurry, sneezing without putting my handkerchief in front of my mouth  etc since I was three years old or a bit less. Yes, it sounds cruel but then it made a a fine specimen of a human being when I faced the world. My parents were my greatest critic,they knew one thing that I was their life but so, is every child and the world doesn't actually count how much your parents love you.
My Dad watched television with us, played with us after he returned fro the office, taught us and we never had any tutors till higher classes. He did all this with such an ease and when I am working I know how hard it is to do this. He cracked jokes with us, told us about his youth and college days and every single day atleast for once he mentioned his Dad, who had died even before my Dad got married.

He didn't raise me as his son. No, he raised both of us , me and my brother as humans. He was the one who dreamt of me becoming an engineer but actually was beaming with joy when I cracked through the merit list of B.A. (English Honours). He guided us and never made us choose his choice or live his dreams.

He was the one who instilled in me the idea of expressing through pen. People call me "Miss Encyclopedia" "Miss English" but this is all due to person who woke up at 3 am in the morning to teach me, then spent 12 hours in the Factory as an Engineer at work, came back played with me for an hour, taught me till 12 am and then went to sleep and this was his life during my examination time. I slept in the afternoon but he didn't. I wonder how!!

Today seven years have passed I have not heard his voice, I have not seen him. Seven years he has not responded to when I call "Babai". Seven years...a lot of things have happened, I don't know if he knows it or not but all I wanted to say to him the last time he called was "I know you will be there for me, don't have to say me that." and I still believe that and I wish my last day at work should be my last day in life.... just like you.

Dedicated to My Father Mr. Dipankar Ghosh
also my Guardian Angel from 11th June 2007.

For You Maa

In how many ways can a human be saved? How many times can you be given birth to? innumerable.....and every time when I thought I am standing all alone ready to perish you came there, calmly and as usual saved me, you gave me life every time  I died and the saddest part I never realized. The whole of my life I kept quiet and thought no one noticed me, no one even acknowledged what I did but I failed to understand that I am silent because i am a part of your soul, I am so much like you yet I never understood you. I blamed you, fought with you made you cry but I never realized that when you were standing against me (as I perceived) you were actually fighting for me, you were actually trying to be my shield......I am sorry but I don't need to say "sorry" because I am your shadow, your blood and I know you know and love me for what I am.

Your
Suntu

Back to Life after Death

Pop! I just came out of the dead, Wow! so unreal and cool!, I died with a pop! and woke up from the dead with a pop, so, I had lived two years with Dad and have learnt a very important lesson once a manager is always a manager, turns out that my Dad is doing pretty well in the heaven, he used his Chemical Engineering skill to start up a soap industry in the heaven, he was doing well and his entrepreneurial dreams were finally realized, the new "EARTH SOAP" was a hit in heaven and now the Gods were planning to export it to the hell or "Patal Lok". Woe! Surreal Man! anyways as it goes I was taken up by mistake actually they had planned to take one Mr. Dutta and one Mr. Ghosh in a car accident but they took me (Datta Ghosh) by mistake and it took two years of HCS (Heaven Civil Service) Bureaucrats to correct this mistake and by this time my eyes were making two people see, my heart was beating in a singer's body, my liver was in a Corporate Honcho's Body and my Skeleton was in an Anatomy class (I pledged my body), so, my Dad used his influence to give me a new body and thanks to the Chinese people in heaven it was ready real fast and was real economical.

So, now I came down to the earth and the first place I go to is to my mother. Well she relocated with my brother and is now in Pune, while my brother is having a plush job, I always told him he will have it big and it happened. My mother is all right, she is a strong woman I know that but she has stopped smiling and stopped worshiping. My brother has lost his perpetual smile and is serious, boy he looks so mature and he is all of 24, this boy, my kid has grown up a man and what a fine specimen of man he has become. Love his Tony Highflier glasses, I remember giving that to him with the Nexus 5 he is holding, strange he has not changed his mobile in the last two years. I am in an apprentice period this means i cannot reveal myself to them.

The next person I rush to is my husband "Don't leave your job, give your career a high I dreamt of live my dream" my last words to him and he has kept it to the T he has grown in the organisation and has been transferred to Delhi as the department head, Boy! I am so proud of him! though there were times I got diverted and might be a bit unfaithful but he stuck to my word, If I wish to come back he is one of the big three reasons, I love the way he is working. so, tactfully so, efficiently but where is his smile, I wonder?
and why is he smoking so much, does he want to get himself killed and has he been alone all these years? He has not found anyone? and then i do something I never did when alive, I sneak out on his mobile, well he is flirting having flings, so unusual of him and so, very like me but he has my pic as the wallpaper, two years and nothing has changed within, I follow him outside office he goes out and Boy! what a catch! I see an extremely gorgeous lady by his side, he sure has upgraded in his choice of ladies. But where is the smile, the nervous happiness that was their whenever he was with me, even three years after marriage? This lady is so benevolent, is singing her praises and then you are not happy, This is insane!! What else do you want Buddy?

"It's You." was his answer as he looked up the sky with a hollow stare and tear in his eyes. I guess we still speak to each other while not speaking at all.........

My apprenticeship ends and I am all ready to come back, seems like nothing has stopped without me as expected I only need to bring back the smile and faith.    

The Tree and A Dream

My dreams will one day go
Beyond that tree in the courtyard,
Whose gaze meets my doubting eyes
While I sit steady caressing the firmness with my eyes
The window panes delude me
While they partially hide your form
Real or a trifle fantasy but I know
My dreams will reach the soul of the tree.
And one day I will lie beneath it's shining shade
All full of this alive death; as I slip into the limbo.

My dreams will one day soar and fly high
They will go beyond the calm
And will reach the turbulent tranquil sea
Only to meet you by the side of the soul tree
And bathe in the red from the setting sun
And dry in the warm moonlight
The coming dawn shall usher purity out of adultery,
Which was committed while sleeping in the moonlight
With the essence of the burning sun deep embedded in my flesh.

My dreams will one day breathe and sustain
And will go beyond my life and it's feeble mortality
It will reach out to the doomed domination of the  death
And will go overlapping this boundary
And will reach the eternal tree of my dreams

Teddy in a bag

Sitting pretty all done and ready
Suffocated all tied up and wrapped
In the pretence of preserving the innocence
Lies the Teddy in a bag of silence
Shouting screaming sobbing
But to no avail; innocence has its value in silence
When a mind thinks and worse it speaks out
It's blasphemy beyond all measures
Where ignorance and innocence are synonyms
Knowledge wears the crown of the highest sin
And the soul which strives freedom is gagged
Put as a show for the innocence lusting eyes.
The pout so pretty is but a muffled scream
An agony to be freed efficiently subdued
The eyes so pretty do bleed tears
And the throttled whispers reach no one
The scars of innocence writ large
Sits the Teddy quietly in a plastic bag.

A Fragement Years Back

I was lying there beside you
All numb for the rest of the night
Thinking and wondering, laying still but fumbling
Saying a thousand words to you
But not uttering a single one
I wanted to hold you but
My pride had the better of me
I wanted to stop you
Postpone your sweet tying up
Alter the fixed date of joy
Just wanted to give my emotions a chance
Just wanted to give us a chance
But never mind.....I didn't
As you slept on, tired.........all hungry
As you mumbled there in your sleep....all unfulfilled
I saw you......I saw you sleeping
I rested my palms on your cheeks
I saw you...........I saw through you
And let our moment pass unnoticed
I wanted you to be freed.....I wanted you for me
I sighed and laughed at my greed
You were my want not my need
I was at my weakest
I was exposed and felt my soul naked
So i kept quiet all wounded
And let the time, our time pass

And now when I see you after the years
I smile and ponder
That night, flashes clear
And I smile reminiscing
The morning after the moment
When I was happy that I let it pass
But I was at peace that I let myself live and love
Over and over again

Over Rated Love

When I thought it’s gone it was still there

In there but gone now-moments,

I saw the beginning and never the end

But when I see it going away

I feel all my notions were false

Is falling in love over rated?

Or falling out of love so under stated

That in one moment I saw you

And the other I wished you melted away.

Is it me or the rule of the world?

To look out for new pastures

And leave neglected the grasslands once grazed

Is being fed on the continuous fodder of love so necessary

Or it’s an illusion created by the addicted lot?

And if it’s necessary, why am I not dead already?

I have lived so much in loveless paradise

That now being in love is suffocating

My wandering thoughts meander

And end abruptly few miles after it started

I end up in despair and I look back

I see I am stuck; I went nowhere

You sit beside me and I know you will.

I do care for you and I know I will.

Then why to over rate love?

Why to impose the hollowness without love

When the vacuum is survivable?

Why to brood over not having love?

Is love so necessary? No it’s over rated

And the existence of the needs

The need for companionship is so under stated….